My name is Tina and I have been practicing tantra since 2018. I wish to share my personal story of being in love with women and how my attitude and relationship with women has transformed and evolved through the practice of tantric teachings. In this first blog post, I will tell you about my very first experiences of having feelings for another woman, which happened many years before I came across tantra.

I come from a small town in Slovenia, an environment in which women being with women is very far away from something that would be accepted as normal. Even though I always had the openness and affection for women, I had many difficulties with allowing it to develop. However inside of me, the love and attraction for the feminine felt very normal, very natural and very aligned with my soul. 

It happened when I was in high school, that I fell in love with a woman for the first time. She was my class mate, my best friend, the one who sat with me at every class in school and the one who went out with me every weekend. She is the one I shared most of my intimate, exciting and first time teenage experiences with. It was a secret love, which didn't have all the space to develop or move deeper but still it is an experience that is having a very special place in my heart. Even though we were very close, many times kissing, cuddling and even made love, I did not share with her my sincere feelings for her since she also had a boyfriend. At the same time, this kind of feelings for a woman were new for me and I did not know how to integrate them into our friendship and environment, so I decided to stay silent about how I truly felt for her. If I contemplate this experience from my perspective now, I have a  feeling that I was lacking the supporting environment, self knowledge and somebody who I could openly talk to and share my inner world with. All of this I have thankfully found later on on my journey, when i discovered tantra and yoga. 

To return to my beginnings, after this first experience, I stopped actively expressing my longing and love for women and I only had relationships with men until I moved to Berlin some years later. I felt that Berlin was offering me the environment where I could open more to discover and to experience what my soul and my heart wished to experience. In Berlin, I met a woman, who reminded me of my longing to melt and be intimate with feminine energy. It was an experience that totally blew my mind and let me forget everything I thought I am until that moment. With this woman, I felt such an intense polarisation and attraction which I could not even explain to myself. She was so feminine and so beautiful, with long dark straight hair, white and perfect skin, black eyes, juicy soft lips, perfect feminine figure and yet she had something very strong and powerful inside. This contrast between extreme soft feminine and on the other hand a very strong and powerful presence inside of her did magic on me. I felt even more intense polarisation than with men, exactly because of this double sided match that I felt with her. In that period, I did not understand what was that phenomena that made me think of her night and day and long to be with her in every moment. Only later on, when I started practicing tantra, I learnt about the inner woman and inner man, which this woman had both very developed and which awakened both poles inside of me as well. In other words, it created this double polarity, my inner woman was polarised by her inner man and my inner man was polarised by her inner woman, which made me feel the most intense longing and ecstasy when I was around her. Even though I entered in the affair with her I did not have the necessary openness at the level of the heart to continue and to develop a stable relationship with her. I felt I was very immature and still lacking self knowledge and somebody to guide me, to show me the direction and the deeper meaning of relationships and eroticism in general, which I now feel supported with on this tantric path. 

These have been my first encounters and discoveries on my journey of loving women. In the next post, I will share more about how my relationships with women become more loving, stable and deep when I discovered tantric methods and started putting them into practice.

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